


A Series of Conversations

by Eirwyn



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Multi, angsty, but it involves Vax so you should expect that, spoilers for episode 40 onwards
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-20
Updated: 2016-06-28
Packaged: 2018-06-09 16:33:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6914806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eirwyn/pseuds/Eirwyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The truth of the matter is that Vax needed to get used to having these sort of conversations, because it seemed like they were only becoming more common.</p>
<p>A series of conversations that Vax has with various other characters as the writer attempts to fix her broken heart and cope with the two week hiatus.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So here's how it goes. I watched Episode 41 and decided that there was no way Vax wasn't in love with Gilmore. And much as I love and adore Keyleth, I don't ship her and Vax in the slightest. So I decided to fix a few things and here are the conversations I use to do so. This is likely to be a slight AU in that I will continue to mostly follow the events and timeline of the show, but ignore the canon romantic relationships if I so choose.

Vax hadn’t realised how tense he’d been carrying himself until they made it back to Greyskull Keep and he felt his muscles relax. They’d made it with only a minimal amount of trouble, Vex grumbling the whole way back about thieves with no honour, and Vax decided not to point out that she’d been just as single-minded about the prospect of gold. It was just one of his sister’s many, _many_ quirks, like treating a giant brown bear like an over-sized toddler.

Coming through the secret tunnel and back into the Keep threw the three of them right back into a hive of activity. The arrival of the Empress had turned the heads of all the refugees, as well as most of the household staff, and whilst Salda was clearly trying to just blend in and look after her children, her face was unfortunately rather recognisable.

Vax accepted the hug from Keyleth, and the misplaced praise that she gave him, but he was distracted and eventually found himself being directed about by his sister and Pike, both of whom seemed to have taken charge of the refugees. It kept him busy, but he kept glancing about as he helped fetch and carry whatever the girls needed, unsure of what exactly he was looking for, until Laina stopped him, her face uncertain.

“Uh, excuse me, but the gentleman that the others brought here, is he going to be able to come down to eat?”

Vax frowned. “You mean Gilmore? I don’t think so; he was quite badly hurt.”

Laina nodded, suddenly looking proud of herself. “I didn’t think so either. I’ll take him some food up.”

It was then that Vax noticed she was holding a bowl of some kind of vegetable soup with a hunk of bread in her hands. He also noticed that despite her relatively cheerful demeanour, she looked exhausted, with some kind of dust smeared across her forehead and all down her apron, her blonde hair messy – at least for Laina – and her face lined with stress.

“No, Laina, let me take it to him, you’re doing so much already. Do you know where they put him?”

“Upstairs, out of the way. In Scanlan’s room, I think, because his bed’s impossible to move.”

Vax couldn’t help but smile. “Gilmore will be delighted. I think Scanlan’s the only one he thinks has any sense of style. Give me the food, you take a few minutes for yourself, and try not to worry.”

Laina nodded, handed the food over and scurried away. Vax headed for the staircase, finally realising what had him distracted. He hadn’t seen Gilmore, and it had kept him on edge. He took the steps carefully, determined not to spill any of the food that had suddenly become precious. The door to Scanlan’s room was shut, so Vax knocked and waited for a response. There was none, so Vax nudged the door open and looked in.

Gilmore was lying on top of the bed, a sheet covering the lower half of his body. He was still in his crushed blue velvet robes, but some of the more ostentatious layers had clearly been removed to make him more comfortable. He was flat on his back and quietly snoring. It was possibly the most undignified noise Vax had ever heard him make.

Vax approached the bed and gently woke Gilmore with a hand on his shoulder, the touch jerking Gilmore awake in a way that made Vax realise that he hadn’t quite relaxed in the Keep, but the tense muscles quickly melted as Gilmore turned his head to notice exactly where he was and who was with him.

He smiled up at Vax, who smiled helplessly back and asked. “Are you hungry, Gilmore?”

“I could eat. What have you got for me there?”

“Laina put together a stew of some kind, trying to stretch what we had as far as possible considering we hadn’t planned on taking about thirty extra guests with no notice. It’s just vegetables and broth but it’s warm.”

Gilmore rubbed a hand over his face before replying. “That sounds lovely, actually.”

He started to try and sit up, but caught himself before he got even a few inches off the bed, one arm held protectively over his stomach as his face contorted in pain. Vax put the food down quickly and curled an arm around Gilmore’s shoulders, helping him sit upright.

“Are you in pain?”

Gilmore shook his head, but continued to shudder in Vax’s arms.

“Gilmore, come on, don’t lie to me. You faced down a dragon less than twelve hours ago. We thought you were _dead_....” Vax’s voice caught in his throat, unable to finish his sentence. Gilmore raised his head from where he had been keeping his mouth angled away from Vax as he coughed.

“Vax’ildan?”

Vax shook his head, turning away to reach for Gilmore’s food. Once he turned back, Gilmore was watching him, his coughing fit passed, and his dark eyes gentle and knowing. Vax handed the bowl over, holding onto the piece of bread until Gilmore held his hand out for it. Gilmore took a few mouthfuls, nominally focussed on the food, but his eyes kept glancing over at Vax, who kept his head down, staring at his hands. After a few seconds, a hand crept into one of Vax’s and held on.

Vax looked at Gilmore, and gripped his hand back. They sat in silence for a few minutes as Gilmore continued to eat one-handed before Vax murmured. “When I saw you lying there, with the blood and your face so pale…. I thought you were gone. I thought we were too late. I could have… I would have….”

Vax’s voice trailed off, his throat too tight to carry on, still unable to look at Gilmore properly, still afraid that this man being alive, sitting next to him, safe and breathing and eating, would end up being some cruel illusion.

“Thank you.”

Vax couldn’t help but look at Gilmore then, the question he was about ask apparently so obvious in his face and on the tip of his tongue that Gilmore clarified before he could utter another word.

“For saving my life.”

“I... _didn’t_....”

“You did. It may have been your lovely angel of Sarenrae who healed me, but you saved my life. She wouldn’t have made it to me without your help, Vax, and I certainly wouldn’t now be enjoying your generous hospitality.”

Gilmore’s voice had taken on some of its old flair towards the end of the sentence, still trying to keep up his old jovial attitude, and the playful baritone brought a small smile to Vax’s face, reminding him of happier times with the same teasing wit that always peppered their conversations. Reality, however, had a stronger grip than memory, and Vax looked away as he felt tears fill his eyes again, unable to move past a single horrifying thought. The tears spilled over this time, in a way they hadn’t in the hidden room below Gilmore’s shop, and splashed onto his and Gilmore’s joined hands.

There was a quiet clink as Gilmore set his bowl aside, the stew half-eaten, and another hand covered Vax’s, so that his one hand was cradled in both of Gilmore’s. Apart from that, Gilmore made no move, and Vax was so grateful for this man who seemed to understand him so effortlessly, who made it so easy to look at him as he spoke.

“I thought you were dead. I couldn’t find you after the dragon attacked, and you’d been right next to us, and I was so frightened that somehow we’d managed to lose you in less than a minute….” Vax felt his voice wobble, and Gilmore took that opportunity to take over.

“I was frightened too. I was terrified that you’d decided to be a hero and take on four dragons. Every time I saw a body that looked even _vaguely_ like you, my heart just stopped. And I couldn’t find you either. I asked and asked and asked, right up until that dragon decided to attack me, and nobody had seen Vox Machina, let alone one half-elf,” Gilmore closed his eyes briefly, his face tightening with sudden pain, “we both thought the other was dead, and we were both proved wrong. That’s something to be grateful for, even if there’s little else to join it.”

There was silence for a few minutes, before Vax changed the subject, wanting to get away from the emotionally heavy conversation. “Do you want any more of that?” he asked, taking his hand back from Gilmore to point at the bowl of stew, abandoned on the floor.

Gilmore glanced at the food, having seemingly forgotten it was there, before shaking his head. “No, I think I’d like to rest now. Fighting a dragon and nearly dying takes it out of you, apparently.”

Vax smiled at the light hearted tone, following Gilmore’s intention of bringing their conversation back to the usual steadfast wit and retorted. “And here I was thinking you were just here for the free food and board. You never mentioned you fought an ancient chromatic red dragon.”

“You’re right; I didn’t, because that’s a bit of a mouthful. And I’ll stop talking about how I fought a dragon when it stops being cool.”

“So, never?”

Gilmore chuckled, before the sound devolved into a cough, his body still not done punishing him for nearly dying. He still managed to reply. “That’s right,” before the coughing fit overtook him. 

Vax handed him some water and carefully helped him to lay back down, arm around his shoulders until Gilmore settled onto the pillow and closed his eyes. Vax started to stand, reaching for the bowl in order to clear up and leave Gilmore in relative peace, but had just barely got to his feet when Gilmore reached out, with unerring accuracy considering his eyes were closed, and caught his wrist.

“Vax’ildan? I know we can’t stay here, and I know that you and your friends are going to try and fix this. For supposedly mercenary adventurers, you’re all too kind-hearted. I just want to ask you, as a favour to a friend, please be careful. Please be the most careful you know how to be.”

Vax nodded, forgetting that Gilmore couldn’t see him do so, and more touched than he realised he would be by Gilmore’s sincere plea. “I promise, Gilmore. But you have to do the same.”

Gilmore laughed quietly. “I don’t think I’ll do anything as risky as you for a little while yet. But sure, I promise.” 

Gilmore released Vax’s wrist, his eyes still closed, and his face quickly slipped back into the relaxed state that indicated sleep. Vax had intended to carry on clearing up and go and find his sister, still wary of them being apart for too long, but found himself shifting to the floor so he wasn’t disturbing Gilmore and just watching him sleep, hypnotised by the slow rise-and-fall of his chest as he breathed softly.

He didn’t know how long he’d been there, and only breaking his gaze when he felt a hand on his shoulder and turned to see Pike. She was at eye level, perhaps even a little taller than him whilst he was sitting down, and she was looking at him with slight concern as she asked. “Is he okay?”

Vax nodded, but didn’t verbally respond, so Pike continued. “We’re all meeting in the temple to think about what we’re going to do next. Are you coming?”

“Yeah, I’m coming.”

Pike frowned. “You don’t have to, if you want to stay with Gilmore....”

“No, I’ll come. He’s only going to sleep now. But if you could check on him later...?”

She smiled reassuringly. “Of course, Vax.”

Vax got up from the floor and followed Pike out of the room, only glancing over his shoulder once when Gilmore shifted in his sleep. Vax knew he wasn’t the most emotionally intelligent person, but he couldn’t understand why the fear that had grabbed his throat and held on when he first saw Gilmore lying there nearly dead hadn’t gone away. He was as safe as they could get anyone, even themselves. The rest of Vox Machina, who were just as fond of Gilmore as he was, didn’t seem to be having the same problem. They had been concerned, they had rescued him, and now they were moving on to new problems.

So why hadn’t Vax? Why was he still terrified to let Gilmore out of his sight? It made sense with Vex, she was _family_ , but why…?

Vax shook his head. Enough. There were more important things to worry about.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the conversation I was dreading writing. Because I fully, totally, whole-heartedly believe that Vax and Gilmore make a far better couple than Vax and Keyleth. But I also believe with the same amount of fervour that Vax does love Keyleth (even if he's not in love with her) and wouldn't want to hurt her.
> 
> Add to that both of their breath-taking emotional and intimacy issues, as well as Keyleth being, well, blunt as fuck and Vax being the worst at recognising and working through his own emotions, and this is the conversation that happened.

Vax waited for the rest of Vox Machina to go to bed before he made his move. Something in him didn't want any of the others witnessing him heading for Keyleth's room. It felt personal, private, but Vax could admit that a lot of that motivation was because he wasn't in the mood for Grog and Scanlan's teasing. He knocked on Keyleth's door and waited for her to answer it, nervous but externally he was completely still, apart from his hands twisting together, fingers knotting and unknotting as he moved them. 

Keyleth opened the door after a minute, and Vax could see that she was pale and tired-looking, with her long red hair loose about her face without the circlet to help keep it in check and a shawl around her shoulders, presumably to cover the thin nightclothes she wore. A questioning expression crossed her face as she saw him standing there, but all she said was. "Hi." 

"Hi," he replied, and then paused, not sure how to say to what he wanted. In the end, Keyleth shivering made him blurt out. "I don't want to be alone tonight. Do you?" 

She didn't reply immediately, but quickly enough so that Vax didn't feel like he'd been left waiting. "I haven't been wanting to be alone most nights." 

She stepped back and left the door open, letting Vax step through and shut it behind him. Keyleth climbed back into the bed, discarding the shawl and pulling the sheets over her knees before she encircled them with her arms and watched silently as Vax placed his daggers to one side and approached the bed. They looked at each other silently before Keyleth pulled the sheets back so Vax could get in and settle down. 

They lay on their sides, looking at each other, before Keyleth reached out with a hand and touched his face, saying. "Come here." 

Vax didn't realise how much he had needed to be held until he shifted in Keyleth's arms, his head on her stomach, with one of her hands stroking his hair, the other resting on his shoulder. Vax wrapped his arms around her waist, closed his eyes and tried to sleep. He thought he would drift off easily with Keyleth so present, warm and soft next to him, but ten minutes passed, then fifteen, then thirty, and he was still blinking into the darkness. Keyleth's hand in his hair had stilled, but Vax knew by her breathing that she wasn't asleep either. 

Eventually, she broke the silence. "Vax?" 

"Yeah?" 

"Can we talk? About Gilmore?" 

Vax pushed himself up onto his elbows, arms either side of her body so that he was hovering over her a little, and looked up towards the head of the bed so he could gaze at her face. He was suddenly worried that perhaps something had changed with Gilmore and made sure he could see if she tried to play down anything in her answer as he asked. "Why? Is he okay, did he get worse?"

"No! No, he's fine, you know Pike's better than that. I mean, can we talk about...." She paused, before apparently changing her mind about that sentence and altering it."Vax, you said you didn't want to be alone, and now you're not and you're still vibrating out of your skin, I can feel it. What's wrong?" 

Vax noted that they suddenly weren't talking about Gilmore, but instead about him, and frankly he'd rather talk about Gilmore because he really, _really_ didn't want to delve into his feelings. They were confusing and painful, roiling in his stomach and he didn't have the first clue about how to sort them out. 

"Apart from the fact that four chromatic dragons just destroyed Emon? Apart from the fact people we care about have died, or came close to dying? Apart from the fact that we _can't_ fight them, because we tried and _we_ all nearly died?" Vax paused, and sighed. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have just put all that on you." 

Keyleth smiled reassuringly, one hand cupping his face, though her eyes seemed full of some other, less happy emotion. "Why not me?" 

"I don't know; it just feels like I shouldn't. It's not as if you don't have your own struggles. And I don't know why I can't relax here. You were. You are, and I love you, and feel safe with you, but...." Vax stopped talking, frustration getting the better of him. This was why he always walked away from emotional talks and confrontations. It was a physical struggle to get the words out. The only person it had ever been easy to talk to was Gilmore. 

There must have been some touch of his frustration in his face, because Keyleth smiled again, her voice gentle and soothing as she said. "It's okay." Her smile faded though, and her face became more serious as she continued. "Vax, I know I'm not very good at... negotiating. I just say what I'm thinking, and that's not always good...." 

"I like that you're blunt, Kiki. I like that I don't have to worry about what you're holding back," Vax interrupted, determined that Keyleth would know that. Some of Vox Machina despaired of Keyleth's inability to be subtle, but Vax wasn't one of them. Having spent so much of his time in the shadows, he liked people who so obviously hadn't, those who were loud and bright and blunt. 

Keyleth nodded in acknowledgement, a little pink at the compliment, but still managed to say seriously. "In that case, I'm going to ask you something - bluntly, as you put it - and I want you to try and answer me. Even if it's difficult. Even if you're not sure. Whatever you think in that moment, please, just tell me." 

Vax frowned, but nodded. Whatever was so important Keyleth that she made a point of asking him to be as honest as he could be with the answer was important to him too, and he would do his best, even if he had no idea what she was about to ask. 

Keyleth shifted them, so that they were both lying on their sides looking at each other, before she took a deep breath and asked. "You told me that you loved me, and you kissed me, and we're doing this... relationship, I guess, and I don't think you lied to me, that's not what I mean when I ask you this, it's just.... Why do you think there was more passion between you and Gilmore in that five-minute conversation you had after we found him than there's been between you and me for the entire time we've been doing this?"

Vax felt his mouth open slightly with shock, and for quite a few minutes, there was complete silence, with Vax locked into his own mind and Keyleth looking on with patience, then as the silence extended past the ten-minute mark, worry. 

As if from very far away, Vax heard himself ask in a small voice. "There was?" 

"You hadn't noticed," Keyleth replied slowly. "Oh, Vax, you really hadn't noticed." 

"I didn't think that there was _anything_ to notice. I love _you_. I meant that." Vax could hear his voice, still sounding far away, desperate and sad, utterly desolated that somebody he had professed to love could feel that way about what they were doing together. Somewhere along the line, he had failed Keyleth, failed in what they were meant to be together. 

Keyleth sounded like she was pleading as she replied. "I know. I love you too. I just need you to consider what I asked you. Think about it, really think about it, please. Because you mean so much to me, and more than anything, I want you to be happy."

That last sentence, the statement that he meant something to her and yet somehow she didn't think he was happy, stung Vax. Keyleth had somehow seen something that he hadn't, and was using it to assume how he felt instead of asking him. Never mind that she'd been sort of right earlier, that he should have been relaxed and instead hadn't been able to focus through all the different things he felt. This... accusation wasn't true and he was going to make sure she knew it. 

"I am happy!" Vax snapped, louder than he intended, and certainly sharper, and he felt Keyleth flinch a bit. Now angrier at himself than anything else, Vax forced himself to soften his tone as he reiterated. "I am happy with you, Kiki."

"Okay," Keyleth said, her voice soft, her eyes bright and sad, "Okay, Vax. Just, remember, even if you think I'll hate you, I won't. No matter what you tell me. Okay? I love you."

Vax nodded, confused and hurting, and probably looking so bewildered by the strange half conversation that he was on a par with Grog for intelligence right now. He closed his eyes and sensed rather than saw Keyleth do the same. This time, even though his emotions were now even more agitated, Vax quickly fell asleep and stayed that way until morning. 

The next morning, in between deciding what was going to be done with the rest of the refugees, gathering up the household staff and going through the painful decision to abandon the Keep and Emon, even though staying was almost certain suicide, Vax kept catching Keyleth's eye. There was nothing ever said between them referencing the late-night conversation, although maybe him sneaking to her room hadn't been as subtle as he had hoped, as Scanlan kept making snide comments like 'you look like you're glowing this morning.'

When Gilmore was brought out, helpfully supported between two of their guards, Vax felt his stomach flip over, remembering what Keyleth had said about his and Gilmore's relationship, and so initially made a point of not looking over to Gilmore as Keyleth prepared to perform her spell and everybody else prepared to run. He was next to Vex, comforting her as she shed a small tear over losing their home again, but looked up and accidentally caught Gilmore's eyes. 

As they emerged from the Sun Tree on the other side, Vax caught himself wondering when the somersaults his stomach had been turning had moved up to his chest, and what in Sarenrae's name that might mean.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Considering I'm thinking about cosplaying Vex later on in the year, I am not at all sure about my characterisation of her. But I figured that if anyone was just going to tell Vax to get his life together, it would be his twin sister.
> 
> I would also like to apologise for the delay in this chapter, and probable subsequent delay of others. I have a chronic pain problem in my right shoulder, which makes it very difficult to do... well... anything with my right arm. It's been really bad recently, so yeah. Typing hurts.

Vax walked along the road through Vasselheim, attention mostly focussed on Vox Machina’s sudden new companions. He’d heard about Zahra from Vex after they had reunited from being separated for the Trial of the Take, and then again briefly from Lilith, and, so far, she was basically what he had expected, a red tiefling, dressed practically but prettily, with a flirtatious manner and a slight obsession with the moon. In the first regard, he really wasn’t surprised that his sister and her had initially butt heads. 

Kashaw, well, Kashaw remained Kashaw, a sullen, secretive human man in severe need of an attitude adjustment and actual friends, except that apparently in the intervening months since they’d last been in Vasselheim, he’d acquired actual friends. Well, friend. Zahra and he seemed close, to the point that Kashaw had given her a nickname, which again, considering what Vax remembered of Kashaw, was really out of character for him, so he must like her.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t a ‘ _like_ ’ like. No, that seemed as if it was still pretty firmly Keyleth’s place in Kash’s heart. Vax frowned at the man’s back, watching him as he watched Keyleth, and that seemed to prompt Vex, keeping pace alongside him, to start talking.

“I thought you were interested in Keyleth, am I wrong? I mean, you’re interested in Keyleth, right?” When Vax didn’t respond right away, she carried on, her speech getting faster. “I mean, I know you don’t want to tell me, I know you don’t tell me anything like this, but is it kind of weird that he’s here?”

Vax took a little while to reply, considering what he could say and then remembering that it was his sister he was talking to. All she wanted was an answer. “No, he’s fine.” There was a pause, then belatedly he added. “And I _am_.”

Vex nodded seriously. “Okay. That’s what I thought. Should I… should I take him out?”

Vax very barely manage to stop his mouth dropping open in shock. That was really not what he thought his scheming twin sister had been leading up to, of all things. He quickly replied. “No. No.”

“Because I can.”

“No he’s….” Vax began, but was interrupted by Vex drawing her flat hand across her throat and saying, with gritted teeth. “Destroy him.”

His vicious protective sister. Vax was so grateful for her. “He’s useful and I don’t hold anything against him and she’s….” Vax trailed off, not sure where that sentence was heading, and so changed it. “Why wouldn’t he want her? Of course he does.”

Vex rolled her eyes. “Yes, yes, yes, Keyleth is so. Fucking. Beautiful, I get it!”

“Well so are you, but what the fuck am I going to do with that, you’re fucking weird!” Vax responded quickly, falling easily back into their tried-and-tested banter patterns, but equally desperate to have this conversation over and done with, and so sped up a bit, walking ahead of Vex.

He had no doubt that she had got the hint and chosen to ignore it, because less than half a minute later, she had caught up to him and tucked her hand into the crook of his elbow so he couldn’t get away as she asked cheerily. “So, Keyleth? Funny, I think all of us, _including_ Keyleth, had money on you showing up at the Keep one morning wearing Gilmore’s clothes.”

Vax deliberately didn’t look at his sister as he replied. “Well, I like him a lot, we all do. It’s just that I love Keyleth.”

“Uh huh.” Vex sounded disbelieving. “Vax, darling, I love you, but you are an idiot. There’s a world of difference between how we all treat Gilmore and how you treat him. And notice how I say ‘treat’ instead of ‘treated’ because you _still do_.”

“But….”

She steamrollered on. “I’m not saying you don’t love Keyleth, because of course you do. Keyleth’s an easy person to love, beneath all the awkwardness and the frankly terrifying amount of earnestness in everything she does. But you don’t act like you’re in love with her at all, and never, not once, have you said ‘in love’. It’s always been love, and yes, before you say a _word_ , there is a difference.”

There was silence as they carried on walking. After a few minutes, Vax said. “Been waiting a long time to say that?”

“A bit, yeah.”

“I could tell. The only thing you normally yell about is money and how people spend it.” He could hear how cool his voice was, and he knew that Vex could hear it as well, because her hand tightened briefly on his arm.

“Brother, I just… I worry about you. I know we had a pretty poor emotional upbringing, but even you must see there’s a difference between what you say you feel for Keyleth and how you act around her.”

“No. I don’t see. And why is everyone so keen on Gilmore and I anyway? We’re friends. I thought, once, that maybe we could be something more, but it wouldn’t have been fair on him and that part’s over and done with.” Vax could hear how defensive he had started to sound, and he really hoped that they were getting close to the place that would sell them potions, but considering it was Grog’s intelligence they were acting on, they could end up literally anywhere.

“Everyone?” Vex asked, her tone placating but also curious. “Someone else has said something like this?”

“Keyleth.” Vax admitted with a sigh. “A few days ago, before we left Emon for the foreseeable future.”

Vex raised her eyebrows. “Keyleth said something? That’s… encouraging, not to mention surprising.” She must have caught a glimpse of Vax’s face; however hard he tried to conceal his emotional reaction to something that deeply hurt him, because she added. “That would have really upset you, oh, _Brother_. I’m sorry. This is why you need to talk me about this sort of thing. I hear talking helps.”

“I’m fine. I don’t need to talk. I can deal with it on my own, no need to burden others.”

Vex got in front of him then, forcing them stop and lag behind the rest of the party a bit. Vax looked at her, her hazel eyes and pale features the mirror image of his own, and felt a sudden clench of love for this, the last of his biological family, and with a far gentler tone, he said. “Sister, truly, I know you mean well. We have other things, far more pressing things, to worry about right now.”

“Okay.” Vex nodded. “Okay, but you know you don’t need to deal with things on your own, because you’re not on your own. You’re an idiot, but you’re my idiot brother, and I just want you to be happy.”

“I _am_. I promise. I am as happy as I can be in this moment.”

Vax was sensing a reoccurring theme here. The last part of the conversation was almost word for word what he and Keyleth had talked about. Did he really walk about looking so miserable that both his sister and his… Keyleth felt that they had to say something? If Grog starting asking him if he was happy, he would know that something would have to be done. Of course, first Vax would have to check that he hadn’t accidentally stumbled into some kind of alternate reality, because with the lives they led, that was a distinct possibility.

His musings on exactly how likely alternate realities would be easy to wander into was interrupted by Vex, who said. “If you say you are, then I’ll leave it alone. I think we’ve used up all our sibling understanding for at least the next six months anyway.”

Vax huffed, and tugged on his sister’s braid gently as he replied. “No, definitely no less than eight months.”

She laughed, and they started to catch up to the rest of the group. Vex caught sight of Grog talking to his potion seller and immediately gasped. “Is that the man that Grog _haggled_ with last time? I’m going to _kill_ him!”

Vax watched his sister storm off to get between Grog and the potion seller, and despite being two feet shorter than Grog managed to be just as intimidating. The others were poorly stifling laughs as the conversation carried on, and Vax joined the back of the group, smiling at Keyleth as he did so, and deliberately did not think about the conversation he had just had.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for the delay, but to make up for this, this chapter is nearly three thousand words. We're also firmly into AU territory now, because goddammit, Vax needs to listen and talk to his gnome mother, because let's face it, Pike's the only really mature one there. Also, this is set right after episode 44, so Vax had a lot to talk about that wasn't Gilmore related.
> 
> This story was originally meant to be a lot longer, but I want to write a Rakshasa thing before Thursday and also, just in case Thursday ends with a worse-case scenario (my poor darling Gilmore please Matt do not take him away from me), I want a happy ending to this story ready to go. 
> 
> Also, I'm sorry in advance as to how this chapter ends.

Seeing Whitestone again should have been reassuring, but Vax barely acknowledged that they were heading up towards the castle, his head still playing on repeat the moment he got back up to the chamber in the sunken tomb and saw his sister lying on the floor, replicating the feeling of her limp and cold in his arms, eyes glassy and unfocussed. He heard, all over again, his voice telling the Raven Queen that she _was not_ going to take his sister from him, not if he had any say in the matter.

And if he’d put it like that, it might have sounded like he’d actually thought it through, instead of desperately bargaining the only thing he had of worth that a Goddess might be interested in. 

He lost track of where everyone went, and even though he didn’t want to let Vex out of his sight, she was whole and well again, and right now he couldn’t face the memories that seeing her, or indeed any of them, would bring up. He just wanted to be alone, and to not think about what the hell he had done, offering himself up to a Goddess of death.

He wandered through the castle, eventually finding himself in an ornamental garden. It was cold and grey, the trees bare and the ground brown and frozen, but he could see that in the summer months it must be quite beautiful. However, more importantly, it _wasn’t_ summer, and so it was very unlikely that anyone was going to stumble across him. 

Vax walked over to the nearest bench, feeling almost drunk, and fell down onto it, head in his hands with his elbows propped on his knees and let himself hide behind his long hair as he quietly, steadily, finally slipped into an emotional breakdown.

He had no idea how long he sat there, no idea how long he was trapped in his own head, going over and over and over what he could have done differently, what Vex could have done differently, what the rest of them could have done differently. He was so unaware of his body and his surroundings that it wasn’t until a hand was put on his shoulder that he realised that the sky was starting to get dim and that he was shivering quite violently. He glanced to the side, and saw the one person he was simultaneously delighted and devastated to see.

“Pike?”

Pike was standing next to him, at his head height as Vax was still seated on the cold stone bench, her face pale and worried, her blonde hair starting to escape from where it was pulled back and being blown about in the wind. When he made eye contact with her, she smiled a little and said softly. “Oh Vax.”

It was like permission and Vax took it, collapsing forward as if he were a puppet with all his strings suddenly cut, letting Pike curl her arms around his shoulders and take his weight as she whispered. “It’s okay, it’s okay, everything’s going to be okay, it’s going to be okay….”

After a few minutes of Vax just clinging to Pike’s comforting warmth and Pike keeping up a never ending stream of reassuring nonsense, Vax pulled back and asked. “Did they tell you?”

Pike sat next to him and took his hand, and despite all the pain and emotional turmoil, Vax still smiled a little at the sight of Pike’s feet dangling a good half a foot off the ground. She followed his line of sight and gently flicked his head with her finger before replying. “They told me the basics. I must have thanked… Kashaw?” Vax nodded and Pike continued. “I must have thanked him at least a hundred times before he started looking like he was going to spontaneously combust. I don’t think he’s used to being thanked.”

“I don’t think so either.”

“Do _you_ want to tell me what happened?”

Vax shrugged, not looking at her. “What good would that do? They told you already.”

“Yes, they did. They told me when they all turned up for food and you didn’t. When I asked where you were, not even Vex knew where you’d gone. Or Keyleth. Vex asked me to find you because she said that you probably didn’t want to see any of them right now. You called us a family, Vax. You have done for a little while now. Why don’t you want to see your family?”

Vax flinched at the probing tone in Pike’s voice, no matter how unassuming it was, and murmured. “Because I can’t. Because they all watched her _die_ and all I can think about is how we nearly gave that tomb another body, every time I see the rest of them.”

He took a deep shuddering breath and carried on, the words pouring out of him now he had started. “I can’t even look my twin sister in the face. The most precious thing in my life, and I can’t look at her because the last time I did she was dead. The one thing I feared the most for most of my life came true, and she _was out of my sight for less than ten minutes_!”

His voice had got steadily louder and more distraught as he finished the sentence, until he was almost shouting, not knowing any other way to express everything going on inside him right now. The shout echoed around the stone walls of the garden and Vax listened to his words fade away before he quietly said, barely audible even to Pike sitting right next to him. “I did something so stupid, Pike.”

Pike gripped his hand tightly and peered up at him, saying firmly. “It doesn’t matter now. Listen to me, Vax, it doesn’t matter because you are safe, and Vex is safe, and everybody else is safe. We’re safe and we’re alive.”

Vax shook his head, a thought that he considered earlier pushing its way to the forefront of his mind, reminded by Pike’s impassioned voice, and he gave it voice before he could really think it through. “I think I’m going to die.”

“You’re _not_ going to die!”

“But that was the deal!” Vax turned to face Pike properly, gripping her shoulders and not caring how crazy he would look to anyone who came across them in that particular moment in time. “That was the deal, Pike! That’s what I said, my life for Vex’s; and Vex is alive, so what’s going to happen to me? I told the Raven Queen, _a Goddess of death_ , that I was willing to die and the only thing I don’t understand is why she hasn’t taken me yet.”

Vax pulled back, releasing Pike to rub his hands over his face and say, a little muffled. “I just want it to be done. I just want to stop waiting for the other shoe to drop.”

Pike reached up and took Vax’s hands again, pulling them away from his face and Vax’s heart twisted when he saw Pike’s face, arranged into the most heart-breaking expression of sadness he had ever seen on her as she asked. “Is that why, then? Not just that you can’t be around them for the memories of that horrible old tomb, but because you’re afraid that soon you’ll be just a memory as well?”

It sounded so much worse when it was said aloud, not just thought in some dark recesses of Vax’s mind. He sighed, and said in a distant, story-telling tone. “When it was just me and Vex, and we didn’t have two pennies to rub together, just the clothes on our backs and the weapons in our hands, I would lie next to her at night and think that dying for her is how I would die. It seemed right. It got easier when she stole Trinket, because then I didn’t have to worry about leaving her alone, but when we met you guys, and you became our friends, I started to relax. I started to think that I wouldn’t have to die for her, because we had friends who could help.” He paused and smiled weakly at Pike. “We had a cleric of Sarenrae on our side, who wouldn’t feel safer?”

Pike smiled back, but her face fell as Vax continued. “But then you died. The cleric, and none of us could fix you. That was when I realised it wasn’t that I wouldn’t die for Vex, it was just that now there were a lot more people I could end up dying for, and not mind. I don’t regret it, Pike, I just…”

“You started to believe that you were going to live your life out.” Pike finished kindly. “Is that it?”

Vax nodded. “There are still things I want to see, people I want to spend time with, places I want to travel to, both with my family and maybe even on my own. I want to live. I never realised how much until I knew it was over.”

“No.”

Vax frowned at Pike, not understanding what exactly she was saying no to until she elaborated. “No. She can’t have you. Raven Queen, Goddess of death, I don’t care. If she wants to hurt you or even kill you, she’ll have to go through me first, and she won’t be able to. You’re ours, Vax. We had you first. She doesn’t get to touch you.”

Vax smiled. “Pike Trickfoot versus the Raven Queen. My money’s on you.”

“Damn right it is.”

With that, the tension broke a little, and the two of them laughed at the image of little Pike facing down a holy deity, and if Vax’s laughter shaded a little into hysteria, Pike clearly chose not to comment, instead standing up and asking. “Won’t you come in now, Vax? You’re shivering, and you must be hungry, and there’s people inside who’d like to see you. Please?”

Vax got up from the bench, hiding his wince as he forced stiff and frozen muscles to work again and replied. “How could I say no?”

Pike beamed, and began to walk towards one of the doors. “Thank you.”

Vax followed her indoors and into the dining hall, where there was still evidence that a meal had been eaten. Pike pointed at a seat and told him to stay put whilst she went to the kitchens to get his food. After a few minutes, she joined him with two plates of food and sat next to him around one of the corners of the table whilst they ate. They talked about nothing in particular until Pike said. “Oh, I should tell you about Gilmore.”

Vax sat up a little straighter at the sound of Gilmore’s name and asked. “How is he? Is he okay?”

Pike raised a hand, laughing a little at the eagerness in Vax’s voice. “He’s absolutely fine. Healing well, and better enough to start helping with working out what’s going on with the Sphere of Death in the Ziggurat.”

Vax raised his eyebrows and tried his best not to sound paranoid as he said. “Is that a good idea? It’s only been four days since the dragons in Emon.”

Pike raised her eyebrows to match, imitating his expression back at him, and said playfully. “Are you telling me how to heal someone, Vax? I don’t tell you how throw daggers.”

Vax acknowledged her point with a raised hand and an apologetic expression and Pike continued. “Anyway, he’s a grown man. If he feels strong enough to mess around with dangerous magic, I’m not going to be the one to tell him otherwise. I’ll leave that to Sherri.”

Vax laughed. “She’s rather intimidating for someone who’s so mild-looking. With the glasses and the robes, she looks like she wouldn’t harm a fly and then she opens her mouth. Well, I trust she won’t have much problem pulling Gilmore away from his work. He hasn’t got a shop anymore, after all.”

Pike tipped her head to one side, and a sly smile crept over her face as she said. “Well, I don’t know about Sherri, but there has always been one person Gilmore’s never been able to say no to.”

“Who?”

“ _You_ , Vax. How long have we known Gilmore? A year? Year and a half? In all that time, I’ve never witnessed him say no to _you_.”

Vax sighed, and could feel himself turning a little pink. It had been four days of these sort of conversations and quite frankly, he had dismissed both Keyleth’s and Vex’s ideas fairly quickly, but since the tomb, since thinking he was going to die, Pike’s words made more of an impact. After all, he would be lying if he didn’t say that Gilmore would be his biggest regret of losing all the time Vax had presumed he had left.

“Pike… is it possible….” Vax paused, and then changed his mind about what he was going to say. “Have Keyleth and my sister been talking to you?”

Pike frowned at him. “About what, exactly?”

“About _Gilmore_. It’s as if you girls are conspiring to… to… I don’t know what!”

Vax must have looked particularly anxious, because Pike didn’t talk around the subject, like Keyleth had done, and she didn’t go off on a rant that really confused Vax more than it helped him, like his sister had done. She, very simply, reached up to put a hand on Vax’s face and said. “Vax, Gilmore likes you a lot. I’m not going to say he loves you, because I don’t know his mind, and something like that is very intimate. But it's obvious to every single one of us that he holds you in far higher regard than he holds the rest of us.”

“Gilmore likes all of us.”

“I’m not saying he doesn’t. I hope he _does_ like all of us, because we’re all very fond of him. But the rest of us, we were only ever his friends. You were more to him. It was in everything he did, Vax, and the way you were with him, that was different as well.”

Vax looked at her, his hazel eyes wide and desperate, as he replied. “I know I flirted with him, and he flirted back, and it was… fun. He’s a handsome man, and I was curious about where it could go. I was curious about him. But I love….”

“Keyleth. I know. Vax, you can love someone and not be in love with them. And love – the real thing, the ‘in love’ part of love – is terrifying, and difficult to understand, and even harder to recognise. You would hardly be the first person to get them confused.”

Vax looked away, the honesty in Pike’s eyes too hard to look at. It was making him face his own emotions, something Vax made a point of avoiding at all costs, but unlike Keyleth and Vex, Pike didn’t seem to be demanding anything of him, no response, no reassurance. She just sat across from him and waited patiently.

“Pike….” Vax took a couple of deep breaths and forced himself to ask the question. “Is the reason why Keyleth, and Vex, and you have all asked me about Gilmore is because you think that I love him?” 

“Oh Vax.” Pike smiled sadly. “Don’t you?”

It was as if Grog had hit him as hard as he could over the back of the head. Vax almost lurched forward with the impact of the imagined blow, and the sheer overwhelming panic and shock of the question threatened to wipe his brain as clean as if an Illithid had managed to get their tentacles around his head. He shoved his chair back and got up, his hands buried in his long hair as he forced himself to pull air into his lungs, feeling that if he didn’t focus on doing that he would simply stop.

Pike watched him, but didn’t say anything, just waited as Vax paced and paced and paced. Eventually, he stopped, and asked, clearly but quietly. “Do you know how to tell the difference, Pike? Between love and in love?”

Vax wasn’t sure if Pike could tell what going on in his head right now, but her expression was both sympathetic and solemn as she replied. “I was always taught that love was safe. Loving your friends, or your family, it could still be powerful and special, but it existed as a constant. Falling _in_ love, well, there’s a reason people describe as falling. Something so uncontrollable, when you realise it’s happening, it’s both stunning and frightening.”

Vax nodded, and for the first time, all the thoughts and feelings and emotions he had connected to this subject suddenly made themselves crystal clear, just for an instant, and he murmured. “Then you, and my sister, and even poor Keyleth, were right. I am… in love with him.”

Pike’s eyes went wide. “Vax?”

“I love him.” Vax repeated, and suddenly found himself laughing, or maybe crying, a quiet hysterical sound bubbling up out of his throat as he finished. “I can tell because I am so, so scared.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (I'm not sorry)


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 2:30am and I literally just finished writing this chapter, so if there are any mistakes, I apologise, but I didn't want to wait to update and finish this story. This is the end, folks, and this chapter comes in at over 4500 words, so I really hope y'all like it, because I wrote a lot.
> 
> The last fandom I wrote this much for was Glee, and if any of you were part of that, you know what a shitstorm that fandom was. Writing for the Critical Role fandom has brought me so much joy, every person has been just the kindest with their comments and feedback, and I hope to contribute many more words yet :)

When Vax had gone to bed that night, he had half-thought that his realisation would fade away along with his consciousness, so waking up and being immediately seized with thoughts of Gilmore and his emotions regarding him was almost a shock. Vax had paced around, getting ready, in a daze, for once more focussed on internal goings-on than external. 

He had to say something. Tomorrow morning, they were off again, heading towards Westruun in search of another Vestige and a dragon, and they had no idea when they’d be back, or what state they’d be in after fighting for the Vestige. Vax still wasn’t convinced that the Raven Queen meant no harm to him, so working under the assumption that he was running out of time, Vax wanted to find Gilmore, and fast.

Head down and thinking, Vax opened his door and ran straight into Keyleth, who looked as if she’d been hovering outside the door, but less lying in wait and more getting up the courage to knock on the door. After apologising at each other for a few minutes, Keyleth finally took a step back and asked. “So, were you going to see Gilmore?”

There was something in the way that she said that, altogether too innocent, that made Vax frown at her, and moments later Keyleth added, looking sheepish. “Pike came to see me last night. Don’t be mad at her. She told me that you and her had talked and that you’d maybe come a decision and I think she just wanted to make things easier for us.”

“Keyleth, I….”

“No, it’s okay, I know. Pike wouldn’t have bothered to find me last night if we didn’t have to have another… talk. But not here. Can we walk a bit?”

Vax gestured along the corridor with a hand and replied. “After you, Kiki.”

Keyleth smiled a bit at the gesture and started to walk, Vax quickly falling into step with her. She led him through the castle, down a few flights of stairs, eventually ending up in a beautifully appointed library. Keyleth settled into one of the chairs and said. “Nobody really comes in here, except Zahra and Percy, and I’m pretty sure Zahra’s still asleep and Percy’s in his workshop. We shouldn’t be disturbed.”

Vax nodded, but instead of sitting in one of the other free chairs, he knelt on the floor in front of Keyleth and took her hands. Keyleth let him, the look on her face clearly trying to be reassuring, but the tightness around her eyes and mouth, and the tenseness that Vax could feel, spoke of a body bracing itself for pain, and he hated that he had become that person to inflict pain on somebody he cared about.

However, better it be quick pain now than a long drawn-out pain later, so Vax started with words he thought he would be saying for a long time to come. “I am so sorry, Keyleth. I’m sorry that I hurt you and I’m sorry that I’m probably going to carry on hurting you without meaning to for a little while yet. I thought that having that conversation with Gilmore would stop all this pain happening, and yet it did anyway.”

“That’s not your fault, Vax.” Keyleth replied immediately. “You tried, that counts for a lot. We neither of us knew what was going to happen when we started this thing, and now we do. It’s not perfect, but it is what it is, yeah?”

“I suppose, but I feel like I’ve led you and him on. It’s not fair on either of you to deal with the fact that I can’t seem to get my head on straight.”

Keyleth leaned forward and lowered her voice, forcing Vax to focus on listening to her. “Under the Sun Tree that time, you told me the truth then, and every time since, right? You’ve always been honest about our relationship.”

Vax nodded.

“And then the conversation with Gilmore, in Emon before everything happened, you were honest then? You told him everything?”

Vax couldn’t help but laugh, a short sharp noise as he answered. “I’ve always told Gilmore everything. I was never sure why.”

“Well then, if you were honest with me and honest with him, you weren’t leading us on. Hearts are tricky things, Vax. It’s one of the few things I do know about such matters. You thought your heart was for me….” Keyleth stopped, her voice wobbling and Vax was horrified to see tears in the corners of her eyes. He tried to move, to say something, but Keyleth just gripped his hands tighter, shook her head and managed to finish. “And it wasn’t, and we were both ignorant of that, and that’s okay.”

Keyleth released one of Vax’s hands as her voice broke again at the end of the sentence and covered her mouth, shaking slightly as the tears that had been gathering at the corners of her eyes now spilled over and ran down her face. Vax wanted to hold her and wipe her eyes, but was unsure whether she would want him to now and so just remained where he was, awkwardly holding one of her hands.

Keyleth eventually took her hand away from her mouth and said. “I’m sorry, I don’t want to make you feel worse.”

“ _You’re_ sorry? Keyleth, you should hate me right now!”

“No, because I promised, remember? I said no matter what you tell me, I won’t hate you.”

Vax did remember, suddenly thrown back into that dark room, and the desperation he had felt when he realised that Keyleth thought he didn’t love her quite in the way he said he did, considering what they’d been doing. She’d been right, of course. Vax should have listened to her at the time. Vax surged forward then, hugging Keyleth tightly and listened as she squeaked in surprise before hugging him back just as tightly. They clung to each other for about a minute, before Vax drew back.

“In that case… Keyleth, I have something to tell you.”

Keyleth smiled, even as the tears started again, and asked. “What is it, Vax?”

“I’m in love with Gilmore. I love him, Kiki, and I think he’ll make me happy.”

Keyleth’s face crumpled, even as she stood up, pulling Vax up with her, so she could pull him into a proper hug, arms around his neck and face pushed into his shoulder. Vax wrapped his arms around her and just held her, his heart breaking for how much she was trembling. That was, of course, the moment they got interrupted. Percy put his head around the door and asked. “Keyleth, are you… oh. Oh God. I’m sorry.”

He ducked out again, shutting the door firmly. Vax and Keyleth looked at each other, and couldn’t help laughing. Keyleth sighed. “Of all the times we could have been interrupted up until this point, it would be now.” She started to step back, but Vax caught her shoulders before leaning in and kissing her softly.

It was only a peck, and when Keyleth looked at him with large surprised eyes, Vax just shrugged and said. “I thought I owed you one last kiss at least. I love you, Kiki. I really do.”

She patted his face, before properly moving out of his personal space as she nodded. “I love you too, Vax. It’ll be good, I think, for us to be friends again. Now, I better go and see what Percy wanted, and you’d better find Gilmore.”

Vax nodded, and they both headed out of the library. Percy was pacing outside, and looked up as they stepped out before saying “I’m sorry for interrupting… whatever that was, I just needed Keyleth to….” Percy trailed off, looking between the two of them, taking in Keyleth’s tear-stained face and Vax’s solemnness. “Is everything all right?”

“Fine, Percival.” Vax said quickly. “Everything’s fine. Keyleth, I’ll see you later.”

Vax stepped away, but Percy caught his arm quickly. Vax jerked it away, and Percy looked surprised and a little disappointed, before smoothing his face out to appear unaffected again and saying. “Say hello to Gilmore for me.”

Vax didn’t have a chance to ask what he meant, or even how he knew, as Percy turned back to Keyleth and led her in the direction of his workshop, talking about something that Vax had no chance of understanding, but Keyleth was already chattering away eagerly, waving her hands in the air to punctuate a point. Vax smiled to himself, and began to make his way towards Gilmore’s room. He was a few feet from the door, when it opened, and Pike stepped out.

When she saw him, she smiled and waved. “Hello, Vax.”

Vax leaned down and hugged Pike. He felt like he needed to have a lot of contact today. Pike was still beaming as she drew back and asked. “How are you feeling?”

“Nervous. Thank you for talking to Keyleth for me.”

“Well, I was worried about both of you. Are you going to see Gilmore now?”

Vax nodded, and then caught a flicker of concern cross Pike’s face and asked. “Is that a problem? Is he okay?”

Pike waved her hands as she replied. “Oh no, he’s going to be fine! It’s just that what with his body’s defences being down from the wound, and the sudden change in climate, he’s come down a bit ill, so he’s feverish and right now he’s asleep, which is the best thing for him.”

“Oh.” Vax sighed. “So you’d rather I didn’t wake him?”

“Well, it’s not just that, it’s also that the conversation that I assume you want to have with him is probably best had when he’s fully conscious, right?”

Vax nodded again, feeling suddenly dejected until Pike added. “But I don’t see why you can’t sit with him. Everyone likes to have someone with them when they’re sick.”

“Then I’ll sit with him for a bit.” Vax said, trying and probably failing to keep the eagerness out of his voice. Pike just smiled at him again and walked off, leaving Vax to enter the room by himself.

He did so, and took in the room. It was one of the nicer guest rooms that the de Rolo family home had, and Vax could guess that Pike had insisted on Gilmore having somewhere nice to rest and recuperate, done up in dark wood panelling and a stone floor covered in burgundy rugs that matched the drapes hanging in front of the window. Vax crossed to the window and looked out, curious at what kind of view Gilmore would have. With a sharp intake of breath, he saw the enclosed garden that he had sat in yesterday, deaf to the world until Pike found him. Had Gilmore seen him? Was that how Pike knew to find him there?

Shaking those thoughts from his head, Vax turned back from the window to look at the bed, a good sized one in the middle of the room, and its occupant. Gilmore was flat on his back, dark hair loose from its usual ponytail yet somehow his goatee was still braided. It said something about Gilmore’s priorities that almost made Vax laugh. He moved to sit on the side of the bed, and close up could see that despite the bed being piled high enough with blankets to have him sweating, Gilmore was also shivering.

Vax twitched one of the blankets a little higher, before settling down in his position on the side of the bed and watching Gilmore sleep, alert to every little shift of position and change of facial expression that might indicate discomfort. Vax couldn’t remember the last time he’d been ill enough to be confined to bed, and he certainly didn’t remember anyone sitting with him. It was oddly relaxing, to be focussed on one person.

Vax wasn’t sure how long he’d been there when Gilmore started to thrash a bit, his face drawn in pain and distress. It looked like a nightmare, and Vax leaned over to grip Gilmore’s shoulders and shake him, saying. “Gilmore, wake up. It’s just a dream.”

No response, just renewed movement and small whimpers. Vax leaned a bit closer and said more firmly. “ _Shaun_. Wake _up_. It’s Vax’ildan, you’re safe.”

Gilmore’s dark eyes opened a little, and he murmured. “Vax’ildan?”

“That’s right.” Vax replied, one hand unconsciously stroking Gilmore’s hair. “I’m here. Whatever it was, it was just a dream. You’re safe.”

“I’m always safe with you.”

Vax felt his heart speed up, and he was sure his face was doing something without permission, but he kept on stroking Gilmore’s hair and whispered. “Shh, go back to sleep. Go to sleep….”

Gilmore’s eyes slipped back closed, and before Vax realised what he was doing, he leant forward and pressed a soft kiss on the corner of Gilmore’s mouth. He heard a contented hum come from Gilmore and sat back, then nearly jumped out of his skin as the door opened, and Scanlan said cheerily. “Pike said you’d be here!”

“Hush, noisy.” Vax re-joined, smiling. “You’ll wake him again.”

Scanlan walked in a bit and said, not much more quietly. “He’s asleep? Guess that means I lost that bet.”

Vax got up from the bed, and moved towards the door, pushing Scanlan along with him. As they left, and Vax quietly closed the door behind them, he asked. “Bet?”

“Yeah, me and Vex. She said that you probably _weren’t_ frantically making out with Gilmore up in his room, but I said that it was Gilmore, and he is a _very_ attractive man, even I can see that. But no, you had to be boring and now I owe your sister five gold.”

Vax didn’t really know how to respond to most of that sentence, so he just said. “You should really know better than go up against Vex when money’s involved.”

“Yeah, well, I was betting on you and Gilmore. I thought that was pretty safe. Like I said, if I’d known he was asleep, I wouldn’t have made the bet.”

Vax shook his head, still smiling a little at Scanlan’s excessive pouting as he attempted to garner sympathy for the money he had lost, as if it were Vax’s fault, but he did have to ask. “Why were you and my sister betting on that anyway?”

Scanlan shrugged. “You and Keyleth are done, and Pike said you were in Gilmore’s room. Come on, man, what else was I going to think...?”

Vax rounded on him. “Who said Keyleth and I were done?”

“Aren’t you?” Scanlan replied calmly, seemingly not worried by Vax’s sudden aggression. “Because otherwise that’s a pretty shitty move you’ve just pulled.”

The fight drained out of Vax as quickly as it had leapt into his limbs and he glanced down as he said. “No, we’re… well, we’re friends again. Just friends. But we only just had that conversation, how did you know?”

Scanlan shrugged again. “Vex knew.”

“How did _she_ know?”

“Don’t know. Percy?”

Vax sighed, and Scanlan peered up at him, saying. “I’m guessing from the fact that you didn’t immediately demand to know how Percy knew means that you think that’s likely.”

“He walked in on Keyleth and I just after the conversation we had and as far as I know, has been with her ever since. They’re close and I wouldn’t be surprised if Keyleth had spoken to him. I also wouldn’t be surprised if Percy decided to pass on that information to Vex either.”

“Mystery solved!” Scanlan grinned. “Now let’s talk about something else.”

Vax allowed himself to be distracted, thinking that at some point he would go back to see Gilmore and talk to him, find out once and for all whether he could try again to forge a relationship with someone he was very close to, or whether he was too late. Vax wasn’t unaware of how Gilmore must have felt, hearing that Vax was apparently in love with someone else. He wouldn’t blame Gilmore in the slightest if he had chosen to move on.

However, being distracted by Scanlan led to being distracted by his sister, who did confirm it was Percy she had spoken to, but all Percy had said was that Vax and Keyleth had looked sad after their conversation today and Vex had run with it. She wouldn’t admit that she was surprised that she had come to the right conclusion, but Vax could tell that she was a bit. It was well covered by her constant crowing about how Vax was finally listening to her and how she had such a good instinct about this kind of thing. Vax mostly let her get away with it. He was still quite overwhelmed by the fact that she was still living.

As it was, one thing led to another, and every time Vax thought about going back up to Gilmore’s room, someone else started speaking to him, planning for Westruun and the Chroma Conclave and Grog’s old family absorbing up his time like a sponge, until Vax found himself sitting down for dinner with Vox Machina, Cassandra, Zahra and Kashaw, and he hadn’t had a chance to go and see Gilmore. It was coming to the end of dinner when a knock came at the entrance to the dining hall and they all looked up to see Gilmore, dressed warmly and smiling, an echo of his usual bombastic display.

Pike jumped up and made her way over, asking. “Are you all right, Gilmore?”

“I’m absolutely fine, Pike, thank you.”

“Won’t you join us then?” Cassandra called, gesturing to one of the empty seats. “Are you hungry?”

Gilmore made a little bow towards Cassandra, in deference to her as the ruler of Whitestone, and replied. “No thank you, Lady Cassandra, I’ve already eaten. I only interrupt you all to ask if I can borrow Vax’ildan?”

Almost in unison, everybody’s head turned to look at Vax. There were various expressions on those faces, glee, sadness, excitement, confusion on their guests’ parts, but Vax ignored them all for the look of beckoning on Gilmore’s face. He stood, nodded to the table in general, and walked over to Gilmore, whose smile perhaps got a bit brighter at Vax’s easy acceptance as they both left.

Behind him, before the doors closed, Vax could hear Kashaw exclaim. “Who the hell is that?”

Vax and Gilmore found themselves outside the front of the castle, leaning against a stone wall and looking over the town of Whitestone, seeing the lights in windows that indicating, if not yet a thriving town, one that was well on its way to becoming so. They watched in silence for a bit, before Gilmore said. “Lady Cassandra’s giving Sherri and I one of the vacant houses down in the town. That’s where Sherri is currently.”

Vax nodded, feeling like this small talk was a safe area to start until he worked up his courage to say something properly. “I had wondered why we hadn’t see her around.”

“Oh, she comes up to the castle a couple of times a day, but I’ve asked her to look into the local shops, see what we can do about building back up our clientele.” Gilmore waved his hand in the general direction of the town. “After all, this dragon business won’t last forever, and I’m a bit past adventuring, I’m afraid.”

“You mean there’s something the Glorious Gilmore can’t do?” Vax teased, and Gilmore laughed in response, rich and full, before swatting Vax’s shoulder gently.

“Won’t do, actually. The cold and the damp, sleeping on floors and in tents, no, no. There’s a comfortable bed here for me, and no dragons, and I’m afraid that trumps everything else, even your company, Vax.”

Vax smiled. “Well, I won’t try and persuade you then. I’ll miss you though.”

“You leave tomorrow, don’t you?” Gilmore asked. Vax nodded, and Gilmore continued. “I thought so. I’ve been so wretchedly ill that I’ve barely seen you in the day and a half you’ve been back, but I’ve heard tell that you all came back looking… rather shaken. Are you all right?”

Vax stilled, the sudden tightness in his chest along with the onslaught of memories best forgotten made him short of breath, and there must have been some indication of all this on his face because Gilmore moved closer, his hand going to Vax’s shoulder to squeeze comfortingly. Vax eventually managed to say. “I’m all right. It was Vex. We… there was… she was hurt. Badly. We were lucky we had a cleric along.”

“Vax, I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault. But I can’t talk about it yet.” 

Gilmore squeezed Vax’s shoulder one more time, before letting go and exclaiming brightly. “Let’s change the subject, though there is one more thing I want to ask you. Pike said that you had come to see me earlier, but that I was asleep. Did you?”

“Yes, I….” Vax felt his words catch a bit, knowing that this line of conversation was skating close the deep waters of his own emotions. “I sat with you for a bit. I hope that’s okay. You had a bad dream, and I think I helped, and then Scanlan came to get me, so I left.”

Gilmore tilted his head, eyes narrowed in thought. “Yes, I… I think I remember that. Everything’s so fuzzy though, I’m not even sure I fully woke up.”

Vax shrugged, trying to play the conversation off nonchalantly. “I was under strict instructions not to wake up. It was just in case you woke up naturally, you might like some company.”

Gilmore touched Vax’s hand, and without letting himself think about it too much, Vax turned his hand palm up so that he could lace their fingers together and have the two of them hold hands. Gilmore let him, but the move seemed to have flustered him and he tripped a little over his words as he asked. “So, why did you want to see me? Nothing important, I hope?”

There was nothing for it. Vax had to tell him, had to talk to him, had to explain everything that had happened, every blasted conversation that had felt like pulling teeth that had led him here, to this moment, holding hands on a balcony overlooking a resting town with his heart on offer. Which, of course, meant Vax had no idea how to start. There was maybe a minute of silence, before Vax opened his mouth and just started to talk, hoping that maybe if he stopped thinking about it, the right words would just come. 

“It _was_ important. It was quite urgent, as well, but at the same time, it could wait. You did your fair share of that, after all. It was only right that I get a taste of that as well.” Vax could see Gilmore open his mouth, and guessed that he was about to ask a question from the confused look on his face, so he barrelled on. “Keyleth and I are not together. I’m not in love with her, like I told you in Emon. I thought I was, and I do love her, but as a friend. Only as a friend. It was never anything more. I made a mistake.”

“A mistake.” Gilmore repeated faintly.

“Yes.” Vax said urgently. “A mistake, and I….”

He trailed off, suddenly thinking about the kiss he had stolen from Gilmore earlier in the day. He should tell him. He had to tell him.

“Gilmore… Shaun. If you had stolen a kiss from someone, how would you give it back?”

Vax felt Gilmore drop his hand and froze, sure that now he had finally managed to tell Gilmore the truth he would have it thrown back in his face, when large warm hands cupped his face and tilted it up so that Vax’s hazel eyes were looking into Gilmore’s dark brown eyes and Vax nearly gasped at the effervescent joy dancing in them.

“So you _did_ …!” Gilmore started, and then ending the sentence before he could finish it, apparently thinking of a far better thing his mouth could be doing as he gently tugged Vax closer and kissed him.

The kiss started close-mouthed and soft, and Vax wanted to memorise the feeling of Shaun’s lips on his, full and smooth and dry. He got his hands on Shaun’s hips to pull him closer, needing the feel of their bodies almost as close as they could be, but the sudden firmness of a warm-too-warm body against his made Vax moan a little, opening his mouth. Immediately, Shaun surged forward and the kiss became this deep, wet intense thing that stole Vax’s breath from his lungs even as he pressed into it, wanting more and more and _more_ ….

Gilmore pulled away from the kiss with a quiet gasp, his chest heaving, and they were stood so close together that Vax could almost feel the rise and fall of his chest as he pulled air back into his lungs. Gilmore’s hands, which had been on Vax’s face, had slid backwards into his hair to cup his head, and Vax could feel them shaking. He could feel himself shaking as well, and leaned forward, burying his face into Gilmore’s neck, and feeling those shaking hands pet up and down his spine as Gilmore turned his head to kiss the top of Vax’s head before just holding him.

After a minute of just holding and being held, Vax mumbled into Gilmore’s neck. “I love you.”

He felt Gilmore move away, and lifted his head, unable to conceal the worried expression on his face, but he was reassured when Gilmore only stepped far enough back so he could see Vax’s face, and that his expression was one of complete wonder as he said quietly. “Could you repeat that?”

Vax took a deep breath, and repeated what he had said whilst looking straight into Gilmore’s eyes. “I love you, Shaun.”

That same expression of wonder, except now it had notes of disbelieving joy as Gilmore pulled Vax back into the tight hug they had just shared, whispering as he did so. “There was a time not so long ago when I thought all chances of you ever offering those words to me were dead and buried, and now here you stand. Tell me this is not a dream.”

“It’s not a dream.” Vax laughed wetly, tears building in his eyes. “I have to leave to fight a herd of Goliaths for an ancient weapon tomorrow. If this were a dream, we would have far more time.”

They moved apart again, but still not far enough away that they couldn’t feel every breath the other took, as Gilmore said. “Then you’ll have to do it quickly, and come back in one piece.”

“Okay.” Vax whispered, and leaned in for another kiss, the temptation of Gilmore’s mouth all the stronger for now knowing how it felt to be kissed by him. That kiss turned into another, and another, and time slipped away from them, the sky darkening and the town’s lights vanishing one by one as its citizens went to sleep, unaware that up at the castle, there were two recently united lovers who had never felt further from sleep in their lives.

Eventually, the kisses slowed, and stopped, and Vax leant his head on Gilmore’s shoulder, looking up at the sky, catching glimpses of stars between the clouds as they moved overhead. Gilmore shifted, and quietly said. “I think we should move back inside.”

Vax couldn’t help the discontented sound he made, but acknowledged the wisdom of it, and hand in hand they made their way back into the castle. Vax’s room appeared first, and Vax stopped, reluctantly dropping Gilmore’s hand. Gilmore kissed Vax’s forehead before murmuring. “Sleep well, my dear. And Vax’ildan?”

“Yes?”

“I love you too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END! And on that note, find me on Tumblr under the same name as here: eirwyn!


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